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Just a quick update in the life of Patch :)

*The True Blood Thoughts will get done, eventually, but I just don't feel that same OCD need to get them all finished as a matter of urgency like I have in previous seasons.  Not that anyone actually reads them, but reality has no place in my world.  I am, however, loving the season.  It's just so ridiculous and over the top and that's what makes it my show.  I also really like how they're bringing all the characters and storylines together - and also the fact that Alcide is a nice person again.

*I'm still in love with Pretty Little Liars, and I'm forcing myself to not watch any of season 4 until later this week, that way I can stay home on my days off (except for gym visits and boring things like grocery shopping) and marathon 10 episodes.  I know I'm at least ten years too old to legitimately pull off dressing like these girls, but my theory is that even though the characters are supposed to be 16, the actors are all around my age, so whatever.  There's also the part about how I really don't give even the barest hint of a fuck what people think about my clothes.  I wear what I want.

*Speaking of which, I just spent $2500 on clothes, and no, I'm not exaggerating.  The bulk of that was from Free People, and seriously, HOW did I not know about this shop until now?  We don't have it in Australia, which is probably a good thing because it is a hippie/gypsy/boho paradise and my bank account would never recover from having one within travelling distance.  Then again, the free shipping means the credit card took a severe battering anyway.  I've put myself on a clothing ban, however, until I'm in the USA late next year, at which point I will empty at least one store of all its merchandise.

*I should not be buying anything after a spree like that, but I just made a couple of naughty little Bath And Bodyworks purchases online - I've realised that I can get almost anything on ebay, including discontinued things, and although the postage costs sting a little, it's nowhere near as painful as paying the mail forwarding company like I did last year.  There's about a dozen more things on my watch list, and seeing as how I'm expecting my tax return this week, I sense another little spree in my future :)  The thing is though, I really haven't gone on a huge product spree in a while - Lush haven't put out anything new for ages, The Body Shop haven't done anything new since Christmas (and the three body butters I'm still in need of can wait until I can get them in Chicago - or at least until I've bought the B&BW ebay stuff first), and when I went into L'Occitane today to smell the new De Grasse range, I didn't buy anything because they were expensive and only smelled okay.  So I'm justifying it, and everyone who wants to judge my addiction may fuck off immediately :)

*I got promoted :D  It was always going to happen, management have been kissing my ass since day one and grooming me for a supervisory position, so I always knew I'd get there, and I'm super happy!  One of the guys I work with though is pissed - we started at the same time, and he's not going up the ladder at all because management think he's a douche, which he kind of is.

*There's a book I want to buy, but seriously, I have to stop spending.  Oh, who the fuck am I kidding, I'll pick it up on pay day.  The saddest part is though, that I hadn't heard of it until 20 minutes ago when I saw it in one of Elle Fowler's (allthatglitters21 on youtube, in case you're not familiar) room tour videos, and I fell in love with the cover art, so I googled it, and it sounded like a something I'd enjoy reading - kind of mindless, trashy, semi-gothic, romantic, girly, fairytale-like brain candy.  Yeah, I'll be buying that.  Thanks Elle, for enabling my shopping addiction!

*Speaking of My Shopping Addiction, I love that show, it makes me feel so much better about my tiny little addiction to see people who are that freaking crazy.

*I'm also very into American Pickers right now, and I don't know why.  I've seen a couple of episodes of Canadian Pickers too, but that's not really on Australian TV very much, so I may have to internet some episodes, because I like that even more :)  Although, American Pickers has Danielle Corby, and she's a goddess.

*Perhaps the saddest part about my lust for this book is not the book itself, but the fact that I found it whilst browsing youtube haul/collection/room tour videos.  Why, why, WHY do I still watch these?  They're all the same, but I cannot freaking stop.  I don't like high-pitched teenagers, or housewives who are clearly just trying to recapture their youth, but some of these girls put a lot of effort into their vlogging, and they do a great job.  Anyone who can make me actively excited to see what's in their shower definitely has something going for them.  There's also the part where I'm just a nosey person who likes being given permission to snoop into the lives of strangers, and the fact that I like bathroom products.

*I am horrified and ashamed.  After watching Pitch Perfect a few months ago (yeah, I know), and buying the DVD the day it was released, (I know, I know!) and loving some of those tweeny-popper songs (*hides face*), I googled Party In The USA and found out that it's sung by Miley Cyrus ... and I downloaded it anyway.  Seriously.  This is a thing that I actually went and did.  And when it came on in my car today on the iPod, I grooved around like a high school girl and sang at the top of my lungs.  I LOATHE myself.  And I love that song.

*I've recently seen several movies.  "I Give It A Year" was average, "Paranorman" tried but didn't cut it, "Beautiful Creatures" was predictably woeful, and "Pacific Rim" was pure cinematic gold and I start Jaeger training this week, OMG.  I also saw "The Great Gatsby" which was beautiful, I'm not sure if I'm more in love with Leo or Daisy, but I will be needing that BluRay the day it's released.  I also saw "Much Ado About Nothing", and I was bored out of my skull while I was watching it, but looking back on it now I can think of a lot of aspects of it I enjoyed retroactively, if that makes any sense at all.  The soundtrack was lovely, Joss Whedon's house was really pretty, and some of the actors (who I've never seen in anything else as far as I know) were really gorgeous and talented.  I think it might be one of those movies I buy cheaply from Big W and put on sometimes as background entertainment for when I'm doing something else.

I should really watch these last few haul videos then go to bed, I have to work early the next couple of days, and I know I'll want to watch True Blood tomorrow night, so it's not like I can catch up on sleep later.

If anyone, anywhere still reads these ramblings, thanks for looking through the window into what must seem like quite a sad little life from what's posted here - I'm much more fabulous and exciting outside of LJ, trust me!

Sleepy Patch out :)

True Blood Thoughts 6.03!

Are we still strapped in tight, motherfuckers?  Yes?  Then let's do this again.  Episode three, and GO!

Well, vanilla-chai-skinny-soy-latte, first.  Then Go.

*Previously, some stuff happened.

*We open on Eric sliding his hand up Willa's thigh and asking if she's daddy's little girl.  That actress' job doesn't suck right now.  He asks if her daddy would be sad if Eric decided to rape her and I know it's skeevy, but it's fictional so I'm allowed to find it hot and you all have to shut up.  She snaps out of her glamour and offers to help him - she knows about the "experiments".  Eric is intrigued enough to whisk her out the window before the guards turn up.  Credits.

*Jess turns the TV off and quizzes Bill about his premonitions.  He has to stop them coming true, because one of the burning vampires was Jessica, and Bill can simply not be with the having of that.  He's scary, but at least he's daddy again, so we love him a bit just for now.

*Sookie is still playing with that new light trick, Jason is feeling a bit under the weather and pops one of Lafayette's pills, and son, do we not remember last time with the boner that ended all boners?  No time, because WARLOW.  We all race around in the yard like morons for a minute, and Warlow gets away.  Nial is going out to find Warlow, and Jason doesn't get to go because he is concussed and stupid in roughly equal amounts.

*Eric is back with Willa, and Pam and Tara are less than impressed with him.  Pam wants to kill her, Tara wants to glamour her and send her home, because Tara is less mean than Pam.  Eric would like everybody to stop arguing and pack their stuff so they can leave.  Willa wants to help, and doesn't need to be glamoured.  Not sure if trust.  Not sure if hot.  But Eric wants to find "camp", so I guess we're stuck with this chick for now.  I, however, will need to see boobs before forming a solid opinion.

*Some heinous psycho in a lab coat is tormenting Steve Newlin, who is the newest visitor to vamp camp.

*Pam is sad about Fangtasia, Eric pretends he isn't, and we don't buy it.  About to leave Fangtasia, Pam once again suggests killing Willa, Eric says no.

*Sam and Lala wake up in Sam's trailer, the hipster activist wannabe's helped them inside.  Big Hair Chick ("Nicole") is actually an okay lady.  The other guy, howevs, is a douche.  Whatever the plan is, Lafayette is going to help, whether Sam likes it or not, and that's because Sam has always been cool to Lafayette, and Lala loves him.

*Eric is at Ginger's gross, skanky door.  She's excited to the point of being all drippy downstairs, but here are Tara and Pam to ruin everything, and Ginger is disappointed that she and Eric will not be "fuckin" on this occasion, though Eric promises her they will one day.  I so badly don't want to see that.  They're all going to ground, and no, the vamps will not be sleeping all together and leaving Willa outside, she will be staying with Eric because Eric doesn't trust Pam not to kill her.  Neither do I, truth be told.  Ginger, take Pam and Tara to your underground lair (ew.  Not a euphemism).

*Bill is convinced he should try daywalking, because, you know, that worked in his hallucination, and Sookie couldn't stake him so clearly he's immortal, or somesuch shit like that.  Jessica realises that this would be the definition of going full retard, and one should never go full retard.  She begs him not to do it because he's her world, her father, her maker, her friend and OMG ALL THE FEELS LET ME SHOW YOU THEM.  Bill has an ass that is dumb, however, so he has a lash at it anyway.  And bursts into flames.  Because of his ass, and how dumb it is.  He staggers inside, Jessica smothers him with a blanket and then wails over her crispy-bacon maker.

*Nial is doing some supernatural version of CSI and finding fairy forensic clues at Club Fae.  The spilled blood is all purple and glowy, and here's some pretty little fae boy near death and thinking stuff at Nial.  Some awful vamp did all this, so wow, thanks Warlow, you suck.  Nial mercy-kills the fae boy.

*Sookie brings Jason some juice and wants to hospitalise him.  He refuses, and tells her he's actually better than he was, because a couple of days ago he was hallucinating racist shit and seeing his dead parents.  He wants Sookie to press on the pressure points in his hands to help his headache.  She complies, but then gently advises him that maybe Mama and Daddy weren't quite as perfect as they thought.

*Kevin!  Hey Kevin!  He and Andy talk about his vampire dry-cleaner, so that's hysterical.  Andy has put Holly and her kids in a hotel to protect them from hungry vamps, but it's not really working and O HAI FAIRY TWEENS.  Bahahahaha Andy hasn't named them yet, he's just using numbers.

*Rikki is here to warn Alcide and Martha that the cops are here for Emma, and why Rikki is not naked is beyond me.  There's far too much t-shirt and nowhere near enough titty in this scene for my liking.  Sorry to be a frat boy about it, but there it is, y'know?  Martha has emphysema, hee.  Rikki is mean to Emma and scares her into shifting.  I'm hoping that was a last resort, because Rikki is hotter than the hinges of hell, but there's no need for that.  Cops search the house, nothing but Rikki holding a puppy.  The puppy is wearing clothes,   Martha and Rikki snark at each other, Alcide overrules Rikki, and hello there, owl on the hill.

*Andy is teaching Holly to shoot, and she sucks.  The faetweens are giggly and annoying, they're using their "hand-lasers" as Andy calls them, to zap frogs, which is distracting.  Andy has brought Holly to Fort Bellfleur because it's a safe place and awww.

*Willa wants to jump Eric's cold, dead bones, She's trying to put the moves on him, and it's not working per se, but he's closer to trusting her than not.  She tries to taste one of his blood tears (he has the bleeds because its daytime), but Eric puts a stop to that because I guess he just doesn't like fun, or something.

*Benlow (that's Ben/Warlow for those of you playing along at home) meets up with Nial and pretends to ask for directions.  Nial buys into this shit and they shoot the shit about Warlow, Sookie, and the general state of suckitude of things in the world.

*Bill decides to "run errands" and won't let Jessica help because there's a vampire curfew and he can't risk her getting caught.  She argues and wins because she's awesome, so Bill asks her to dress like a slutty schoolgirl to impress some science guy.  Said science guy is required because he's the dude who did the blood synthesis-y thing that made Trublood possible.  Jessica gets her Lolita on, and science guy almost jizzes in his chinos.

*Steve Newlin is pale and gross.  Sarah Newlin has the biggest, most Southern, beauty pageant queen hair that anyone has ever had.  He wants her help to escape, she wants him to fuck himself deeply, in the ear, thrice.  Because this is vamp camp, and he will be hanging out for the time being.  Here's psycho lab coat guy with some torture devices.

*Professor science guy is only just containing his boner as Jessica bats her eyelashes and flaunts her cleavage at him.  She grabs him and that would be gingerbaby = 1, scienceskeeze = 0.

*Bill is at Sookie's house, she doesn't want to let him in, and wow he's a jerk to the nth degree.  He just kind of busts into the house because he doesn't need an invite now that he's Lillith but not.  Bill gives Jason his second concussion of the day, because he wants Sookie's blood so he can synthesise it.  He's a jackass about it too, and Sookie doesn't want to play anymore.  He gets all "you're dead to me now Sookie", which suits her just fine.  Bill leaves, letting Jason fall down the stairs as he does so.

*Hipster activist kids have night vision thingies as they approach a bonfire in a wolf yard party.  They're trying to sell their schtick to the wolves, who are all kinds of not into it.  Alcide is meaner and mean, and Rikki is not helping, she's wolfing and so are some of the others.  Alcide issues the stand down, but that works like not at all, and the owl on the hill is suddenly naked!Sam here to re-kidnap Emma.  The Rikkiwolf has gouged Nicole's leg, the Alcidewolf stops her from finishing the job, some jeans suddenly materialise themselves around Sam's arse, and off we go to help this Nicole chick and her dumb butt.

*Ginger answers Eric's phone because she's stupid, but Eric understands that.  He wants Tara to tape Willa's mouth shut, Tara Does Not Want, but Tara does not get to Not Want, because Eric is her granddaddy, and as such, Tara will do what she is told.  Pam, however, slaps Willa's face playfully because she would rather enjoy taping some mouths shut.  The Gov is on the phone, and is all ZOMG you have my daughter.  Hee, Eric's phone is untraceable!  His phone is untraceable Nora!  Eric taunts Truman a bit, Tara believes that he really will kill Willa, and is back to Not Wanting.  The Gov caves, he'll do whatever Eric wants, so Eric will give Willa back to him.  They go to get her, but Tara has a dumber butt than anyone else in this episode, because she's grabbed Willa and hightailed it.  Eric glamours Ginger into stalling the Gov while he deals with this colossal shitstorm.

*Nial has some glowy blood to show Jason and Sookie, and here's Benlow for good measure.  I lost interest in this scene, so Sookie's sweeping up the plate Bill broke and I'm not quite sure what's happening.  I literally cannot make myself pay attention to this scene.  She and Benlow can feel each other listening in on their thoughts, or something.  Nial gets all twitchy because Warlow is apparently back, and YEAH HE IS, except, not really, because it's Nora.  Jason cops another concussion.

*Andy accosts Bill (whom he still calls "Vampire Bill") in the cemetary.  He's all, sorry to do this, great-x5-uncle-vampire-Bill, but curfew, y'know?  Bill smells fae on a stuffed dog in Andy's car and is all congrats on your new litter of kids when can I eat them? He walks away with a smile of immense creepitude on his face.  Credits.

True Blood Thoughts 6.02!

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the 2013 Thoughtapalooza!  That's what we call it when Patch gets too lazy to write up any TBT (True Blood Thoughts) posts for weeks at a time, and decides to do it all in one hit on a night off work when it's too cold to go to the gym!  I've been loving this season like chocolate cake with chocolage fudge icing and a chocolate thickshake with chocolate sprinkles, so let us neglect the thoughts no longer.  Onward!

*Previouslies.  It's been a while, so let's go there - Luna died, stuff blew up, Bill was red and scary, wow we hate that Governor.  Bill was very, very un-killable, Alcide was sort of a jerk and needs a haircut liek wo, that Warlow guy was Warlowy, the Gov is too old for that leather jacket and discussed a True Blood factory with that chick who I can't remmeber, Lillith possessed Bill and he should probably talk to Lala about that.

*Cut to the bridge in Sookie's dream.  The fae contract has glowy letters, Warlow is eeky and looks a little like Tex Perkins if Tex Perkins were homeless and gross.

*Credits. Still loving that girl's badonkadonk in those black lacies.

*Warlow is... fae-zapping?  I mean, it's weeks later so I know how this ends, but let's say I don't and pretend I  ... don't.  Or something.  Anyhoo, Warlow is in fact not Warlow, he's grand-fae-daddy and he's sort of hilarious.  Folks, Meet Nyall.  Wait, it's probably Nial, because the former is a cough syrup.  Either way, he points out what a deadshit Jason is, which we never get tired of hearing.  Bahahaha, Jason was mad that he couldn't flip Hoyt off when he broke his finger.  I love this show.

*Tara is screaming like a screaming thing, and Pam is so sweet and panicky and I adore her.  Nora and Eric both seem to give legitimate fucks about this, so that's nice.  Eric pries the silver-sun-bullet out of Tara with a broken glass bottle and Pam clings to her hand.  Nora is like, hey, remember how the humans said they had weapons?  Well, these would be it.  She and Pam snipe at each other, Pam appears precariously close to losing her shit, Nora gets on the defensive, and Eric is done with girl drama for today.  Nora mutters under her breath about what an asshole he is, and hee.

*Bill is losing his shit and seeing creeptacular visions, and he's scaring Jessica with all his creepitude.  There's some human-on-vamp hate crimes going on, it's a little bit 1940s German up in this bitch, but now Bill's in a catatonic state and Jessica is freaked out as all fuck.  Cut to Bill's head - that bleedy chick isn't Lillith, she's just one of the entourage.  Lillith is all, yeah, so, you're mine now, thanks and have a nice day.

*Arlene phone-snarks at Sookie who is late for work.  Arlene's earrings are fierce.  Terry could not give the barest hint of a fuck, because here's Patrick's wife and here's the ensuing guilt trip.  I've seen this chick in something before and it's going to bug me.  Maggie is such a sweet, simple country girl and I automatically adore her.  Arlene is lying like a goddamn pro, and if it weren't for the actual lying part, I'd love her even more for this.  Especially because she she uses the phrase "shit sandwich".

*Sookie is going to ignore the spectacle of some young guy bleeding and injured by the roadside.  Oh, of course she's not.  She can read his thoughts, he's a fae, and he's been vamp-attacked.  Well, actually he's a halfbreed like her.  No hospitals, because this is television and we don't do that here, especially if we're tough young guys with macho cuts on our faces and half-Brit accents OH HELLO.

*My life is now complete because there are hipsters at Merlottes.  Arlene is just down-home enough to be charming to them.  Sam is on the phone to Lafayette who is playing dress-ups with Emma, so that's adorable.  One of the hipster girls with fabulous hair knows Sam is a shifter and is fan-girling all over him.  Uh-oh, now she's all activist and nosey and using words like "dialogue".  She seems like a nice girl, and yeah, the plight of her mixed race ancestors means she's not a stranger to prejudice, but it also wasn't her fight, so she needs to quit acting like it was and thinking it gives her the right to think she's a part of Sam's world.

*Jessica is pacing all traumatized and weepy behind Bill who's all up in his hallucinatey head.  Lillith is a god or whatever, but she's going to use Bill to be a god on the human plane, or something.  Jessica has ordered a skank for Bill, so that's helpful?  I guess?  Oh, her name's Veronica and she's dinner.  Bill is all blank and staring at the wall, but Veronica is all over this shit.  Well, up until Bill uses some horrific form of telekinesis to twist her limbs around, break her bones, and cause her blood to pour out of her mouth and into his whilst he just sits there.  Veronica is all shriveled, dried out and dead, and poor Jessica has never needed all the hugs quite as much as she does right now.

*This guy on Sookie's couch, who by the way, is tasty, is getting his wounds dressed by Sookie.  They talk and it's boring, but his voice is nice.  His name is Ben *coughWarlowcough*.  She sends him in the direction of Club Fae.

*Andy is in the field yelling for Maurella because the toddlerfae are driving him all kinds of nuts.  They're squealy and I hate them.

*Jason brings grandfaedaddy back to Sookies, he wants to see the "portal" in the bathroom, and no that's not a euphemism for the loo, though I fully intend to use it as one at the next available opportunity.  Nial jumps through the portal into nothing, then jumps back onto Jason.

*Sookie is still not at work, and how she can just blow off her job all the time and not give two fifths of a shit is beyond me.

*Nora is cramming over the bible.  She and Pam have a hilarious little chat, then Pam gets sulky because Eric told her to fuck off.  Nora smooths it over by telling her how much Eric loves her.  We love Auntie Nora right now.

*Eric is skeeving around in the bushes outside the Governors house.  Steve Newlin approacheth.  The Gov's daughter wants to hang with her friends, Daddy puts the kibosh on that.  She's such a good little Republican secretary, you just know she'll have her tits out by the end of the episode.  She goes to welcome her Dad's next appointment, who just happens to be Eric in the best nerd glasses ever.

*ASkars is so incredibly good at being the biggest dork ever, I have to wonder how much of it is real. He's lisping and pretending to be some little peon from the department of fisheries.  He gets vaguely more menacing, to the point that the Gov ("Truman", apparently) is staring to wonder just WTF is happening right here.  Eric gets his glamour on - or does he?  No, he doesn't, because humans now have anti-hypno-contact-lenses, so, yay for them.  Dudes with guns.  Governor is a jerk.  He commands that Eric be sent "to camp", so that's going to be a thing.

*Jason intro's Sookie to Nial.  They eat spag bol, Jason spills most of his on the table - why do boys do that?  They talk Warlow, Nial is a king, and Sookie is an honest-to-god fairy princess, like, seriously, I must vom.  Jason is all happy to be a fairy prince, but hee, the gene skipped him.  Nial teaches Sookie how to do some tricks with her light, she's worried about wasting what she has left, but he tells her she can do this trick without fucking anything up.

*Eric is surrounded by army guys with guns.  They're mean, so he flies away.

*Sam is home with food for Emma and Lafayette.  Lala likes the kid, he wants to make sure Sam isn't in any trouble for both his own sake, and Emmas.  Enter Martha and Alcide.  We like Martha now, btw.  The wolves would like Emma now, plzkthx.  That Danni girl is a bitch.  Sam is like, erm, no.  The pup pack is gonna have to insist, Lafayette is getting all worked up, Danni threatens him and Alcide tells her to back her shit down, so that's nice.  But now it's wolf versus not-wolf, and that horrible skank has hit my lovely Lala, so I hate her times five.  Alcide, Nannawolf and the mean girl have taken Emma.

*Eric flies up to the window of the Governor's daughter ("Willa".  Yes, really.  No, not "Willow" with a southern accent, "Willa".  I hate people sometimes).  She's just removed her non-hypno-lenses, so of course she'd love to invite Eric in!

*Why nobody has given Jessica all the hugs yet is beyond me.  She looks like five miles of bad road after burying Veronica.  She wants to know if Bill can feel her pain, in addition to that of all other vampires.  He's still in his coma, Jess starts praying, and now we're going into a montage.  Jason, staring out the window.  Sookie, playing with her light.  Eric, glamouring Willa.  Pam, sulking at the bar and sharing her carton of blood with Tara.  Tara, drinking said blood.  Sam and Lala, lying unconscious on the ground.  The wolves, carrying a squalling Emma.  Jess mentions Arlene and Hoyt too, but we don't see them.  Now she's crying because she needs Bill and wants god to bring him back to her, and will someone please, please enter the premises and administer hugs as a matter of urgency?!?

*Lillith wants Bill to save them all, but gives exactly no information on how to do that.  Bill is awake at last, and here's a news report on just how much everything sucks.  The news report shows the hate crime from Bill's hallucination, so that creeps everyone out to a considerable extent.  Here we are in a premonition of Jess/Pam/Eric/Tara/Nora/etc in a vamp version of a gas chamber, except with UV light instead of Zyklon B or whatever it was called.  I've been to Dachau, and it was creepy, because Hitler was gross, and this is creepy, because the Governor is gross, and PLEASE DON'T BE BURNING MY VAMPS, K THANKS.  Credits.

True Blood Thoughts 6.01!

My show is back! I love the season premiere when there's all new True Blood to be had :) The thoughts will be somewhat shorter and less detailed this time, due purely to my own laziness ... although, now that I've just typed that, you know what? I don't see any reason why a rewatch can't be done right now and the Thoughts done at the same time, do you? No? Lovely.

*two minute break whilst Patch dicks around with the USB port on the TV and the laptop charger*

*Previouslies, several of. The thing being though, that people aren't going to just start watching this show 6 seasons in - the only people really watching at this stage are the fans, which means they've seen all this shit multiple times, watched the DVDs with the buttload of features, etc. So, the reminder, while thoughtful, is kind of unneccessary.

*Authority HQ. Everything is all red and skeevy as we open on Bill's perspective. Eric and Sookie follow his last-season directive to "RUUUUNNNN!", and is it just me, or would they have better luck if Eric were to vamp-speed and carry Sookie? They wind up in the elevator, but Billith is fucking with the switchboard and the power goes out.

*Jason is still shooting shit whilst the vampire girls stand there rather uselessly. Nora compliment's Jason's trigger skills, but he's dumb enough to snark at her, which she handballs back before ordering everyone to get moving. Pam wants to know just who in the royal fuck Nora thinks she is to tell them all what to do, and Nora is all angry but patient aunt as she "Pamela"s her and repeats the get the fuck out of there order.

*Sam is dragging Luna out of the danger zone as Emma is mommy-mommy-mommying around, which I guess means she de-wolfed herself okay after being scare-pupped by Newlin for so long. Sam and Luna have that conversation that everyone in every TV show has ever had about "just take my daughter and go"/"No I'm not leaving you!"/"Please, you're all she has left now" etc. Sam agrees, Luna dies, we would be sadder if Luna was as hot as Papi from The L Word, but we have Ricki and her rack now, so whatevs. An Authority guard kicks Luna's corpse and is like "it's dead", which, hi, MEAN.

*Explosion at the HQ. Everyone who isn't Nora wants to go back for Eric and Sookie, Nora tells them to hurry up and move, but then Eric whirls an SUV around the corner and they're off as the building explodes some more. Jessica is sad over Billith, Nora tells Eric to stop so they can see Billith approaching them, Pam realises that this is one of the more retarded moves they've ever had and tells Eric to get them the fuck out of there. Eric floors it, Billith flies away, and now CREDITS. We have some different names accompanying our stripper ass this season.

*Jason utters the line "naked evil superman", and we know that our show is definitely back. We all kibitz a little over what Bills deal is now that he is or isn't Billith and we listen to the radio where the Governor of Louisiana is talking about how he likes vampires and all except not really and ERRBODY GO BUY YOSELF A GUN. We cut to watching this nasty little guy talk about new vamp curfews in his John Lennon wannabe glasses. Some little Vamp rights activist with liberal-arts-student dip dyed hair throws some blood at him, so that's fun.

*Jason decides that now is the perfect time to talk about how great it is that somebody is finally fucking the vamps over. Dude, know your audience. Nora is all, well hey, we bombed the factories and everything, so our bad, maybe? Her and Pam get in a bit of a verbal scuffle and Eric is all "Dammit don't make me turn this car around." They stop the car, Pam has a whine about Eric not telling her about Nora being his sister, and Eric tells her to get over it because this is seriously not the time. He's right, but he has no reason to be such a cock to Pam now that they've reconciled - and because this is my second viewing, I know he's going to do it again soon, and I really hate him at the moment. None of this is her fault, but he's being cruel. I almost don't care if the rumours are true and he DOES die this season.

*Tara comments on what an asshole Eric is. Eric and Nora argue about the book of Lilith and if there's anything in there that could explain Bill and his current level of dicketry. Jessica cracks the sads again and runs away. Sookie tells Jason to go and talk to her, he refuses. Meanwhile, Pam has also cracked the sads. Tara goes over to talk to her, Pam tells Tara to fuck off but it's in no way convincing or scary so Tara goes right ahead and ignores her. Pam hates the beach because "sand in your cooch", hee. Tara is all sweet and supportive and gives Pam a hug. Pam cries on Tara's shoulder and did I mention that I hate Eric?

*Jessica is crying by the water's edge and washing her blood tears away in the waves. Sookie comes to talk to her and they're both scared of Bill, and they both love Bill, and he's probably not Bill anymore, so that sucks. Poor little Jess is worried that she's all alone now, but Sookie will not be having with that and holds the gingerbaby's hand, aww.

*Eric snits about Jason never having read a book and therefore not being of any help, but Nora and Jason both know about Warlow and Eric doesn't, which Nora helpfully points out. She accosts Jason and wants answers, but he's all YOU FIRST, which is dumb because she can and does glamour him. Jason gives up the goods, then snaps out of his trance and has a tanty about being "brain-raped" again, which, LOL. Nora tells him that she doesn't know Warlow personally, but he's in the book of Lilith, so hey, there that is. Jason gets a bit killy, but Sookie puts the kibosh on that and won't let him kill Nora. Jason calls Tara "fanger", and dude, THE FUCK. SERIOUSLY. Then he's all mean and tells Sookie she's as dead to him as the vampires are. He runs away, and Tara is a bit lovely as she puts a hand on Sookie's shoulder and tells her to let him cool off. Maybe this is the season where they become okay again?

*Ruh-roh. Jessica is freaking out and being summoned by Bill, but it hurts like a motherfucker this time because he's Billith and he's a bloodmonster. She wants to go to him, Eric stops her, so she vomits blood on him. Jess is in all kinds of pain, so Sookie is all like "fuck ALL y'all, I'm taking her to Bill". Tara wants to go with (yay Tara!) but Eric is all, nope, fuck that, Pam, take Tara home, Nora and I have got this. Pam tries to talk Eric out of this shit and once again he's the meanest he could possibly be. He's honestly acting like he just doesn't care at all about her anymore, and it's obviously cutting her to the bone. He's awful, and right now I can't believe I ever liked him.

*Wolves are getting all eaty and limb-chewy. Alcide's dad tells him to nom on some arm, so he chomps off a piece, but doesn't even wolf out first, which EW. Martha is dispensing grandmotherly advice to Ricki about how the vamp blood will wear off Alcide, but the power might not. We start to worry that Alcide may turn into sort of a dick, and that just can't happen because Eric has already filled up this week's quota. Some naked were chick is all "anything I can do for you, master, just say the word", and Alcide isn't entirely opposed to that idea. Ricki kind of side-eyes them, but doesn't lose her shit. I get that Alcide is even more unf-able now that he's the big boss man, but this chick ("Danielle") is just a poor-man's Ricki. Don't go out for a burger when you have steak at home, Alcide. Everyone goes for a run in doggy form while Martha and Ricki stand there and contemplate what possible new hell this is.

*Arlene is all shitty because the "alien babies" won't stop crying and vomiting sparkly light or spit-up or whatever, but Andy is sitting outside doing sweet fuck all because he's convinced he'll be no good at this parenting malarky. Arlene tells him that when "you put your Mister Happy inside someone's hoo-haa without a raincoat on, babies come out!", which, thank you for that. Andy is all "Hog-tits, Arlene, I can't do this", and I'm glad the writers are still going to town with Andy's vocab this year. "Jesus tits and god America" is still my favourite though :) Arlene talks Andy around and he decides to have a go at being papa to the babyfae.  Terry and Arlene overload him with baby info as he introduces himself to one of the babies as "Sherriff Andy Bellfluer".

*Sam carries Emma into Merlottes then freaks out as his Sammy-sense detects someone there.  He arms himself with a pool cue, but it's just Lafayette drinking all the good tequila.  Lafayette wants to now wtf is up with all the blood, oh and bee-tee-dub, he saw Luna all Newlined up on TV - it was the sickest shit he's ever seen, and he watches Dance Moms, bahahahahaha.  Emma sidles up and Lafayette is instantly adorable with her, all "hey there, Shortie-pop, what's cookin'?"  Emma tells him that her mother is dead and she's hungry, and  Lafayette offers to make her something deep-fried, smothered with sugar, then deep fried all over again.  Sam could obviously use a minute to get his head together, so Lafayette ushers Emma out the back all "come with Lala, we gon' do something with your hair too."  I love him.  Sam wants to make sure Lafayette won't tell anyone they were there, but as always, Lala has everyone's back.

*Jason tries to hitch-hike and gets in the car with the skeeviest of old dudes who is so obviously Warlow that it is physically painful to watch, but naturally Jason is stupid times twelve and is not getting it.  He chats away obliviously.

*Jessica stumbles all blood-pukey into Bills' house with Sookie propping her up.  Nora and Eric are nowhere to be seen, like thanks for the protective detail, thousand-year old vamps.  There's some powdery-looking redness on the floor, is that Bill?  Nope, because he's sitting out on the balcony like nothing's wrong.  He just wants to talk, but Nora and Eric choose now to ambush him, so he throws Nora, tries to strangle Eric, and Sookie stakes him - but all that does is a hell of a lot of nothing.  He'd like to talk now, please.  He tries to tell them he's no threat - he's "something more" than Bill, but he's still Bill.  He's sorry for scaring/hurting Jessica.  She's buying it, but nobody else is.  Sookie tries to tell him to fuck right off out of their lives, but Jessica Does Not Want.  She tells everyone else to fuck right off instead, her and her Daddy will be staying in for the night.  Bill is like, well, you heard her.  One ally seems to be all he needed.

*Some factory.  That creepy governor chats to a woman in a suit about turning said factory into a temporary TruBlood factory.  Okay, sure.

*Wolves, Alcide arse (hey!), Danielle's boobies.  Her and Alcide start making out, Ricki and her rack turn up and pretend not to care.  Alcide and Danelle both apologise, but Ricki decides to make out with Alcide instead of getting mad.  She then earns herself the title of coolest girlfriend ever as she summons Danielle back and turns this situation interesting.  Danielle may not be in the same league as the other two, but this is still a party I'd join any day.  Ricki tells Alcide that she's his number one bitch, and I like her way of thinking here.  It's not cheating if you share.

*Fangtasia.  Tara is lecturing Pam about how she doesn't have to be Eric's punching bag anymore, and Pam is bitching that Tara wouldn't have the first clue what it's like to be in a 100 year old relationship.  They're both right - Eric is being SO FREAKING MEAN  right now, Tara loves Pam and doesn't want to see her treated like that.  Pam knows that it's so much bigger than that and she can't just stop loving Eric.  She snarks that her and Tara are not going to be some epic fucking love story if that's what Tara was thinking, but Tara knows enough to see through the bullshit and tells Pam it's time to give the two of them a chance.  Pam tells Tara that she will NEVER replace Eric, so, ouch.  Some SWAT guys bust in with laser-y looking guns to shut down the bar.  Pam tries to talk her way out of it, Tara tries to yell her way out of it, and gets shot with what I'm guessing is silver.

*Eric walks Sookie home and they have a deep and meaningful about Sookie's life and what it means and blahcakes.  They go inside, Eric gives Sookie her house back, and she rewards him by kicking him out of it.  He says goodnight to her, then bickers with Nora over what they're going to do about Bill, whether he's in love with Sookie, etc.

*Um, well ... the babyfae are now toddlerfae, and they're all giggly and "HI DADDY" which scares the shit out of Andy, Arlene, Terry and the rest of us.

*Jessica is all snuggled up in bed, Bill knocks on the door because he's got a glass of warm TruBlood for her.  She's still nervous about this whole thing, but she just wants her Daddy back.  I'm not sure if we trust Bill or not - I think there's still some Bill in there, so I guess we part-way trust him, because he seems like he isn't quite sure about this whole being-half-an-evil-vamp-god thing himself.  Jessica accidentally knocks the glass over, Bill stops it mid-fall and magics the contents back into it out of thin air.   Jess is creeped, and so is Bill (or at least, so he claims), because he didn't even know he could do that.  He says he wants her help - he doesn't want to go mad with this new power, so he wants her to keep him grounded.  She agrees to it, but says he might not like it, but he's okay with that because Jessica is the only one he can trust.  Something is hinky here, but Jessica is just so desperate for him to be her dad again and to love her, so I think she's choosing not to see it.  She throws her arms around his neck, he cuddles her then tucks her into bed, which would be sweet if he was still the real Bill.

*Jason is still talking himself into even more trouble because his butt, it is dumb.  He says Michelle and Corbett are kind of racist and scary now that they're ghostly apparitions, and they just sit siliently in the back seat, like, WTF boy.  Warlow outs himself, Jason shoots him, Warlow vanishes just in time and O SHIT the car is careening towards a tree.

*Bill is reading the Book Of Lilith, and being tormented by some scary mental images.  Voices are talking to him, they call him into the next room, and all of a sudden there's Lilith and will someone just give her a Brazillian already, but OH NOES because Lilith has two blood-soaked buddies, like WTF there's three of them now, and they all rush at him and possess him, so that sucks.  CREDITS.

I'm baaaaack!

ZOMG, how long has it been? LJ has, once again, taken a back seat to Real Life, as has the rest of the internet in recent months. *two minute break already while Patch brews her green tea* Okay, the green tea is now brewed, iced and ready to be sweetened with a hint of organic pineapple juice OMMA-NOM. So what the hell have I been doing with my life for the last few months? Let's list it, because, you know, I gots it like that:

*Working. OMG, this job takes up 98.9% of my life, but wow do I love it. Great people, great money, great conditions, etc. I'm not allowed to go into too much detail - I work for the government, I'm basically a cop but not, and that's pretty much all I'm allowed to say. No I'm not a spy, no it has nothing to to with terrorists, no it's nothing that would make a cool action movie, but it's hard to explain without breaking confidentiality agreements, so that will have to do. Suffice to say, it's a cool job, and my career is now set for the next 40 years, so that's a plus :)

*The Boy. Yeah, look, I've been putting off seeing him again, because I'm starting to feel like I'm just over it, y'know? He's a great guy, we're good friends, we have great sex (except last night, but more on that later), but it's not going anywhere and I'm getting bored. I mean, not that I want it to go anywhere, with him or anyone else (almost anyone else ... more on that later too), but if I want to talk to a friend, I can meet him for coffee, if I want sex, there's a Calla Lily Dual Action battery operated device in the nightstand, and if I want to indulge in my passion for not giving a fuck, I can sort of ... you know ... stop this whole thing. I don't know, I'll see what happens, but I'm just sort of over the situation right now.

*Bad sex. Last night. Yeah, I don't know what the hell happened there, but that was not cool. I wasn't totally in the mood to begin with, but even so, the chemistry just wasn't there last night. Usually it's not until after the main event that I start lusting after my pjs and box set dvds, but last night I was actually wishing for my new Peter Alexanders and season 3 of Bones during, and that's just not right.

*New house. I've moved to a stylin' inner city pad, and I'm in big, big love with this house. It's a rambling old mansion divided into smaller flats, and it's so whimsically gorgeous that I find myself wishing for neighbours who are elderly, British, retired burlesque dancers and a Ukrainian circus performer who trains mice. Lovely overgrown garden full of roses and archways, intricate ironwork everywhere, oddly shaped rooms. This place is Nirvana. Also, I'm such a fussy, house-proud little old lady now - as soon as I got rid of The Boy last night, I couldn't focus on anything else until I'd straightened the cushions, fixed the rumpled bedding (meh, not worth it!) and lit a candle to eliminate the smell of boy shoes in the living room. Men are messy creatures.

*Shopping. The Body Shop, Lush, T2 (an Aussie tea store, google them if you haven't already because they ship internationally and are hellz tasty), Glasshouse (Aussie scented candles, buy one now, thank me later), Peter Alexander (Aussie pyjama king - he's a beautiful gay man who worships dachshunds and makes fancy-pants pjs, and therefore we love him from now until the end of time), Villainess (old-timey-gothic-inspired bath products), Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab (old-timey-gothic-inspired perfumes), Amazon (ermahgerd, BERKS) and ebay (home of discontinued and only-available-in-the-USA Body Shop Products) should probably just send a representative to take my paycheck directly from my employer every fortnight, because, seriously. When did STUFF get so cool?

*Frankie magazine and its website. So cute, so hipster (yeah, I know what it means now, and I think maybe I kind of am one - I mean, it was an accident, I'm not trying for it or anything, but I seem to have unwittingly ticked most of the major boxes), so much less irritating than HelloGiggles (I'm sorry Zooey, I love you dearly, but c'mon) and so tempting - there are now more items on my Things Patch Must Buy, Like, For Serious list. Custom made, hand sewn dress from vintage material HELLO!

*Television. Shows got cool. I'm behind on everything because of work, but that's just what rainy Tuesday afternoons are for! And OMG True Blood season 5 BluRay is out in three weeks, and the new series starts not long after! I've still got two bottles of TruBlood left - one for the BluRay marathon (with character commentary), and one for the season 6 premiere. I know I've said it before, but I really am going to try to avoid both ONTD communities this year - they're both so annoying and the season hasn't even started yet. The negativity, the tweenage whining, the self-important attitudes, the total lack of self-awareness and ludicrous misconceptions that anyone gives the merest of fucks about their teensy little opinions - I just can't handle those people anymore.

*The ex-friend. She did indeed do something rather illegal and very, very immoral. It's looking like she may be clear due to a couple of technicalities, but there's still a chance that she also might not be - if the wrong person says the wrong things, she's in BIG trouble. I know a bit more than I should because of work (it's not exactly the same employer as such, but the two fields overlap enough that I have some inside info), and there's a reason she's cleaning houses and living with her parents. I hope she likes it too, because that's all she'll be doing for a long, long time. Karma. It's awesome.

*The Famous Boy. We've exchanged a couple of phone calls, and look, I'm not stupid enough to think this could ever be a thing - I'm not even interested in the concept, to be honest. But it's fun.

*The Girl. Got a Facebook email from her a couple of weeks ago about how much she misses me. Saw her a couple of months back while I was travelling interstate (and she was travelling overseas - who the hell put America all the way over there? Did they not realise they were keeping the hot girls REALLY FAR away from me?) and there was nakedness and there were strange looks from the hotel staff. Fun, fun weekend :)

*I'm going to South Africa! Not for a few months yet, but it will be awesome. I have friends who own a B&B there, but I've never been, and I'm so excited!

*My grandma gave me some dresses she used to wear when she was my age - vintage-y goodness!

*My parents bought a puppy and my friend bought a puppy, and I get to look after them both this week! Puppysitting x 2, this will be Cuteness.

*I saw a woman I used to work with when I was at the supermarket yesterday. She commented on my car (sportscar, 2 seater, convertible - it's a sexy bitch) and was all "OMG, how will you ever fit a carseat into THAT?" Reiterated the conversation we'd had a million times about how I don't want kids because I hate the things, and she said "Oh, I thought you'd have changed your mind by now!" GAHHHH. She also spotted a Lush bag on the front seat and said "I don't know how you can buy that stuff - it's too expensive!" See, NO. It's not "too expensive" - it's just too expensive for you. I spent $124.90 (which I earned by doing my job) on scrummy hair/face/body products. You also have $124.90 (some of which you earned, most of which came from your child support payments and government parenting payments), but you spent it on school sport trackies, a 12 pack of chocolate YoGo, the Foxtel channel which broadcasts Dora the Explorer, and a pack of Big Kids Dry Nites for your little bedwetter. That means if you want hair/face/body products, you have to scrounge some coins together and get the two-for-a-dollar specials at The Reject Shop, because six years ago, you decided that spawning was more important to you than spending. Nothing wrong with that if that's what you really want, but it's too late to change your mind. You spent your money on your choices, I spent my money on mine. There's no point criticising me now because you don't like the results. WTF, single moos.

*Chocolate. Lindt have released two new flavours of those awesome truffle ball things - peanut butter, and caramel. Omma. NOM.

*Movies. Have just bought "Les Miserables" on BluRay, love it unconditionally and have not been able to stop myself singing "Master Of The House" at all hours of the day. Want to see "Paranorman" next.

That's probably about it for now, hopefully I'll get back here more frequently - if not in the next couple of weeks, definitely by June for the next season of True Blood Thoughts! Yeah, that's still happening. Sorry, y'all.

Edit: Right, well, that would be why I wasn't in the mood then - the painters and decorator are in. Seriously, cramps are such BULLSHIT. I'm not ever getting pregnant, therefore I do not need my uterus nor its monthly bitchfit. You hear that, vestigial female organ? You are useless to me, so either quit with the crampy nonsense, or you're a goner. I'm usually okay after some chocolate and a couple of Panadol, but the combination of Tired plus last night's bad!sex have obviously done a number on me. I just called work and told them I'm skipping out tomorrow - it happens to be a day they don't really meed me anyway, so that works out okay. I'm going to spend the day sleeping, watching haul videos on youtube, catching up on Criminal Minds and NCIS, and snuggling with stuffed toys which I don't care that I'm too old to own. Fuck off, world. Fuck right off.

Things of late

*Christmas was rather lovely and low-key.  Very grateful for lovely presents and yummy food.  Body Shop Vineyard Peach shower scrub and Lindt dark chocolates might just be the most heavenly things in existence.

*New Year's Eve was almost as lovely and even lower-key.  I'm far too old now to pretend to give a shit about how NYE is supposed to be the biggest party EVAH.  I'm all for celebrating and for treating every day as though it's something to celebrate, but that's kind of the thing - if you're not feeling it on December 31st, throw a freaking party on January 8th if you want, because that's a day too.  New Year's Eve might mean noisy drunk neighbours and a new calendar on your wall in the morning, but if you feel like staying in and watching Oz, then by Jove, you should do just that.  And if people tell you you're missing out on the fun?  Join them in 364 days time.  That's the thing about NYE - there's one every year, you see.  I think that might even be sort of the point.

*Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre.  That was horrendous.  There was the usual crapola online - "only a mother can truly understand the horror of what happened to those 20 little angels today".  Um, no.  Lots of people who have no kids have plenty of kindness, empathy, compassion, and love.  Parents do not own what happened that day.  Mothers do not own tragedy.  And there were 26 people who lost their lives, and one the day before.  Slain adults are not less tragic, and that includes the gunman's mother.  

*Also?  The gun control thing.  I can't remember which badass celebrity it was, but someone famous was being quoted on facebook saying how it's not gun control that is the issue here, it's the media for glorifying the sick bastard who did it.  I agree and I don't.  I mean, the media has fucked up a  lot of things in a lot of ways.  But you can't argue that if the USA took big-ass guns away from violent, screwy people, this shit would happen less.  It happens less here in Australia, and that's because Julia Gillard won't let us have big-ass guns.  I know you guys have your amendments and whatnot, and I totally get that, but for serious here - those things were written a while back.  Like, as in, before the biggest and scariest of said guns were invented.  Maybe we edit just slightly, y/y?  And just as a thing, we can't all sort of just stop watching the news.  I agree that most of the mainstream media tends to sensationalise things like this, and I HATE that I can't remember the names of the victims and yet I know the name of the gunman ... but I can't just not know what happened.  

*Mental health.  Look, it's definitely part of the problem, and a significant part at that.  Should the gunman's mother have gotten him some help when she realised he was "strange"?  Yes, of course - but it's a little late to lay the blame on her now.  More needs to be taught, the stigma needs to be erased, and funds need to be allocated so we can stop shit like this from going down again.  If people are sick, we need to try to cure them.  But also, we need to not give them guns.  Let's not forget the not-giving-them-guns part.

*That lovely teacher, OMG.  I'm not a kid person at all, but that interview where she described telling the students how much she loved them brought more than one tear to my eye.  What an amazing, incredible, beautiful, generous-hearted woman.  I can't imagine a better person for those kids to have been with at that moment.  She said she wasn't sure if it was appropriate for her to say it and that she's sorry if it wasn't - but if I were a parent of one of those kids, or if I were one of those kids, I'd be grateful to her forever just for being her.  She's a hero, pure and simple.

*Bushfires here in Australia.  It happens every year because it's hotter than the hinges of hell down here, and because there's lots of bushland, dry grass, and assholes with matches - but this year summer has arrived later and is burning hotter, and there's a good chance that a lot of people are quite fucked as a result.  If anyone out there can do things, donate things, or help with things, call the Red Cross or Salvation Army in Australia and see what they need.

*Work is rather lovely at the moment.  I'm in a new government department and frequently see the names of my colleagues and myself in the paper because we're actually making a goddamn difference.  It's unspeakably wondrous to be paid for something like that.  And also to be working with a Scottish man who has the sexiest accent imaginable, and to have a pet lorikeet in the office.

*My darling hearted Callie the collie was put to sleep following a nasty bout of something spinal and degenerative.  She was a dear old thing, and letting her suffer was just not something we could handle, so we made the difficult decision and cried a lot, but now she's an angel chasing starlings and probably barking at cherubs for plucking their harps too loudly.

*The ex-friend was indeed fired from her most recent job for allegedly doing something very, very illegal which I can't discuss in any great detail until/in case it goes to trial.  I heard from her brother that she's trying to get work cleaning houses, but is having no luck.  I don't want to be smug, but I'm high-fiving karma pretty damn hard right now.

*Television.  Criminal Minds needs to come back, I'm craving Derek Morgan quite severely at the moment, and after last night he can join Michaela Conlin and The Famous Boy (and some real-life people who can remain nameless so as to avoid me weirding myself out) on the list of People Patch Has Had Sex Dreams About.  Miranda is wonderful and hilarious, NCIS makes me wish Gibbs was a real person, and HIMYM managed to make me squee and hope Barney and Robin really can make it work.  Yeah.  I know.  And True Blood - I miss the show, but not the comms.  I think next season I really might just ignore the LJ communities altogether, because comment wars and superfans are just tedious.

*Internet.  Release me from your evil clutches, black hole of doom known as Cracked.com.  You thieve time.

*Shopping.  Unhand me, malevolent wenches of Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab, as you shall possess my income no longer!  Unless, you know, the next lot of new release scents are AWESOME.  

*It is my belief that all girls need an adorable gay friend.  I have one and don't know how I managed to survive the first couple of decades of my life without him.  There should be a market where you can go to get one, if only for the fact that the incredibly buff gym-junkie types amongst them are quite lovely to perve on shamelessly.

*Go and watch "Les Miserables" immediately.  Go on, go.  Then when you get back, rent Taken 2, Madagascar 3, and book advance screening tickets for Life Of Pi.  Also, rewatch The Secret Garden, because you haven't seen it in ages.

*Do not endeavour to make Miss Spink from "Coraline" your role model.  That would be a silly thing to do, even if you happen to be Patch.

*Go to India, ride buses, and don't dare be afraid - otherwise those bastards win.

*It's just occurred to me that my new episode of Big Bang Theory should have finished streaming by now and there is a glass of milk in the kitchen with my name on it.  Therefore, Patch Out.


Honestly, is there anything better?  The last few weeks have been busy as hell, so I've been looking forward to a nice relaxing weekend, and as such, I figured I'd better get the inconvenience of other people out of the way on Friday night - so I just ejected The Boy from the premises, hee ;P  Okay, no, it wasn't really like that - he'd been drinking at his office Christmas party and was in a cab on his way home, and he was going past my place anyway so he rung and we hung.  I'd only had a couple of drinks so I was prepared to drive him home, and he was like, yeah, whatever works, I don't mind crashing here or sleeping on the couch if you like, to which I was all, um, SCUSE, no, because that would impose on my hermit-person ways.  So we had particularly amazing sex, after which I drove him home - and now my weekend is my own again!  I've said it once and I'll say it again, the post-sex shower is rather tits.  In keeping with tradition, it was followed by uber-comfortable, hellaciously unstylish pyjamas, and I'm now ready for re-runs of either True Blood or Criminal Minds, and I'm thinking of warming up a choc-caramel cupcake and slathering it with cream.  Seriously ... who wants some hulking, snoring beast of a man taking up space when the alternative is chocolatey, pyjama-clad, blissful solitude?
So I just watched the latest Criminal Minds, and here are some Thoughts:

*This unsub hurts puppies.  Puppies.  NO.  I cannot be having with this.  I have a brand new, shiny, pretty television that is big beyond all sense and I am thoroughly in love with it, but I nearly put my foot through it when that kid was patting that little basset hound and looking at it's neck.  Human victims, yes.  Tortured puppies?  NO.  Much too cute, much too sad, CANNOT BE HAVING.  NO.

*Who is this skeevy hooded creep taking not-so-happy snaps of my team?  This Big Bad Scary had better not hurt my favourite hot fictional people.

*Bahahahaha Reid played baseball and had a Chicken Little moment of victory.  Morgan is such an intense jock.  He looks okay in those tight baseball pants too, just saying.

Lush have been awesome lately and released lots of amazing seasonal new things.  The Body Shop have been likewise fabulous.  My bathroom/spa is at insane capacity of brilliance and the whole house smells like mimosas and orange blossoms.  I am addicted AND I DO NOT EVEN CARE, I DO NOT CARE ONE BIT.

Have gotten in to Pretty Little Liars, and it's one of those awesome things where you come into a great tv show a few years late so there's lots of episodes to marathon.  As well as liking the themesong and the fashion (I don't care how they want to play it, these girls are much too fashionable to be teenagers - especially Spencer, who almost never gets it wrong), I'm addicted to this soapy mystery.  I don't even want to read spoilers, I love not knowing who "A" is.  I like all the girls - Aria is a little whiny and ditzy sometimes, but it's not in a grating way, more like a normal adolescent thing.  Hanna is kind of a bitch, but I get it and it doesn't make me dislike her.  Spencer and Emily are my favourites - Spencer because she's so intelligent and sassy, Emily because she's so sweet and makes me want to protect her.  Also, Maya is so pretty that if I was still a teenager I'd hate her on principle.

My cousin bugged me endlessly until I caved and borrowed her Sons Of Anarchy DVD, and even though I don't love it, I did get through all of season one.  I don't especially like Jax - he's pretty enough, but there's nothing relatable there.  I love Gemma, and I gotta say, I would never have pictured Katy Sagal in that kind of role, but OMG how perfect is she as Queen Biker Bitch?  I like Clay too, he has this vaguely paternal yet also super menacing thing happening.  And OMG Half-Sack, he used to be in that show "Quints" and he was Pierce, and he was awesome.  He got in to the cougar suit, but he never got in to the cougar!  Punching is a big part of American culture!  I loved Pierce.  And Patten  - his name is Patten!  He's here to cheer! ... okay, tangent.  Oh, and Half-Sack was also in Criminal Minds at one stage, and he was an unsub and he was creeptacular and he was no longer Pierce in his cougar suit.  I did enjoy his stealing of an ambulance - the other guys ripped on him for it and then like ten minutes later the ambulance is the most crucial thing ever, lol.  But I read a spoiler that he dies in season two and is made a member posthumously,  and I'm not sure if I care about this show enough for it to make me sad, but still.  Oh, and that girl who plays his girlfriend or whatever the hell she is, she was totally in that movie "Loser" with Jason Biggs from "American Pie", yes?  

Saw ex-friend in the street last week - she's fat again, her skin looks awful, and I heard from her sister that she was fired from her most recent job.  She's now an unemployed single mother living with her parents, and she's racked up a debt of over thirty grand.  If that ain't karma, I don't know what is.  And just to sweeten it even further, I got a HUGE promotion last week, and am basically transferring between government departments - it's pretty much a whole new job, and my salary has more than doubled :)  I also got a sportscar a few weeks ago, moved to a bigger house, I'm going to Vietnam in a couple of months, The Boy has finally chilled and is becoming less clingy and relationshippy, and The Famous Boy has been texting and there might be an opportunity for us to see each other again sometime next year :D  Stuff is cool right now.


Just a quick one to say that I am so damn happy for you guys today!  And the rest of the world too - I'm not one of those rabid America-is-the-only-country-that-matters type of fools, but it would be naive not to admit that the US is the global power player, and as  one of our biggest allies, what you guys do affects us here in Oz on a massive scale.  Obama is a wonderful leader, and from everything I've seen, a wonderful man.  Huge congratulations to Barack and Michelle, and the rest of the party!  Mr Romney, feel free to sit down/go away now :D

I love Michelle's expression so much here, she's just like "OMG we are legitimately awesome right now".  And, just putting it out there, he's hot.  Sorry, but it needed to be said.


Sep. 27th, 2012

So this morning livejournal appeared to have crapped itself, my guess is that it was because of everyone trying to get on here to discuss the season premieres of everything.  Let's start with Criminal Minds, shall we?

*Okay, see, I don't hate Alex Blake.  I don't especially like her, at least, not yet.  But I don't hate her the way I'm sure at least 90% of the fandom does.  But that tends to happen with CM.  Remember how everyone hated Emily with unreserved passion at the start of season two?  I'm not even sure why that really happened - I never got the impression anyone was particularly attached to Elle Greenaway.  I sure wasn't - I didn't hate her or anything, but she was my least favourite character.  Not for any particular reason, I just didn't feel the love, is all.  At the time I was on dial up internet, so I couldn't watch episodes as they aired in the USA, so by the time I actually saw Emily, the initial hate was over, and I felt kind of validated in kind of liking her.  And, like everyone else, I grew to completely love and adore her in almost unhealthy amounts, and I became emotionally unstable when she left.  Rossi was a little different - I loved Gideon, just like everyone else.  But then Mandy Patinkin was such a colossal D-bag about everything that it was easy to stop loving him, especially when Joe Mantegna brought his own particular brand of awesome to the show.  It took a few episodes before Dave was really part of the family, but we all kind of knew it would happen.  And I challenge any CM viewer to not be at least a little bit in love with Rossi.  

With Alex though, I like what they did there having Garcia be kind of a proxy for the audience.  Garcia doesn't know her well enough to like her yet, but she doesn't hate her - she just hates the fact that Alex isn't Emily.  And I totally feel her on that, because I hate that Emily is gone.  CBS are such buttsmears, you guys.  Seriously.  I totally respect Paget's decision to leave, and I completely understand her reasons for doing it.  However, I blame CBS.  If they hadn't been such arse-garglers and fired her in the first place, this would never have happened.  And if they hadn't been such cock-swabblers about forcing her to come back, she might have wanted to stay.  But they fucked up.  And you know what, this would have been an opportunity to see if they could bring Seaver back - though I could totally understand if Rachel I'm-totally-blanking-on-her-last-name-right-now-because-it's-late-and-I've-had-too-many-ferrero-rochers didn't want to come back after they were such asses to her. But I'm not sure if that was even a consideration.  It should have been.  But hey - fuck you CBS.

Give me a few weeks and I'm sure I'll start to actively like Alex Blake.  She's smart, she wasn't rude to Morgan when she over-ruled him, she has a backstory that has potential to be interesting what with her history with Erin seriously-why-can't-I-do-surnames-tonight, she's already sort-of-buds with Reid and now she's talking tea with Garcia.  It'll happen.  But it can't be forced.


Ahem.  As for the rest of the episode, LOVE.  I'm so glad my show is back.  I adore the opening, I love that Garcia went crazy-British and bought everything in the world that had Union Jacks on it.  I did something similar when I went to London.  She does a good pommy accent too, so that's worth noting.  Also worth noting is Kirsten Vangsness' rack in that Keep Calm And Look Busy shirt.  Sorry y'all, but sometimes I'm a teenage boy and I can't help Noticing.  I love that Emily is still in their world, that they visit her and she sends them love and tea.  I love that Rossi is making Dad jokes ("You two should guest lecture together!  Oh, wait ...").  Hotch seems different - not less serious, exactly, but it's almost like they gave Thomas Gibson less smart-profiler-sounding stuff to say this week so as to highlight what a braniac Blake is.  I love that there is already a Big Bad Scary who is taking creep photos of the team.  I love that Morgan called JJ by some kind of nickname or endearment when he hugged her (couldn't hear properly what it was, thanks so much Putlocker except not really).  I love how he dialled down Garcia's crazy a little bit.  I love Garcia's crazy.  I love that JJ offered some knowledge when it came to the baby, but didn't totally lose her shit and become a mommy at the expense of being a profiler.  I love that Alex and Garcia had a Gibbs-and-Tony-esque "he's right behind me, isn't he" moment.

As for the unsub, he's one of those ones which you kind of feel sorry for, in addition to finding him all mean and killy.  I actually tried not to hate on him more than strictly necessary - I know this is unfair, but I had an unpleasant encounter with a deaf man recently, and without going into too much detail, I'm kind of a little bit on edge now when I hear people talking in that sort of slurred, monotone voice that people with hearing aids sometimes have.  I know that's not a cool generalisation, and I'll get over it, but right now that's where I am.  So I was all, gah, eeky deaf unsub, DNW.  Even though this guy didn't talk, but whatever.  Like I said, I kind of felt sorry for him - he just wanted quiet.  I thought Alex had gotten through to him at the end, but I'm glad she wasn't that all-powerful and Mary-Sue-ish just yet.  BUT OMG LIP-STITCHING.  You guys, we just did this on True Blood, and it's uncool.  These victims need Jesus' medical kit.  I'm re-traumatised on Lafayette's behalf. I'm glad my show is back, you guys :D

As for the other shows, NCIS was pretty solid.  I'm glad everyone is okay, I feel hell sorry for Jimmy because seriously, can someone just cut the poor kid a break and let him get married already.  I love that he referred to Ducky as his best friend, because that's just like, ten different kinds of adorable.  I'm glad Ducky is okay, because I could for shiz not have handled that.  I think Gibbs owes Abby a hug considering all he did after finding out she was alive was wave lamely.  I love Abby for considering all the possible people she'd want to be stuck in an elevator with and deciding on the entire cast of Cirque du Soleil because they could entertain her if she got bored.  I love how obvious it was that Gibbs legitimately gives a crap about McGee.  I love how fucking tough as nails McGee was even with a SHARD OF FUCKING GLASS IN HIS STOMACH.  I love that Tony and Ziva will just never stop annoying each other.

2 Broke Girls was kind of a disappointment.  Aside from the fact that Max is right and Martin Channing is hot, it was a weak episode.  Kind of like the ones in the middle of season one where they relied too much on Oleg and Sophie for gross-out humour instead of writing things that are actually funny.  I mean, it was okay, but they've done better.  Also, Max looks like her curves are slightly less bodacious, and I can't be having with that.  Eat a burger honey, I got used to that junk in yo trunk.  I did like the character development though - Caroline has finally admitted that her Dad has pulled some fairly uncool crap.  I will, however, be needing Johnny back sooner rather than later, because that young man is tasty.

The New Girl was pure fucking gold, as per yooze.  My favourite part was in the second episode where Nick and Schmidt list examples of Jess' clumsiness, because OMG you guys the people on TV are totes talking about me.  Not even lying, I literally fell over while just standing there earlier today.  Jess has new glasses too, and while I don't like the frames themselves as much as the ones from last season, I think they suit her just as nicely.  

HIMYM was nothing to write home about.  It was funny, we got some more clues as to the identity of the mother, and we found out that Robin and Barney get almost-married-or-probably-they-don't later down the track - or did we already know that?  Can't remember.  IDC about Marshall and Lily being exhausted from the new baby, but at least it doesn't seem like the whole show will be about baby Marvin.  I loved Barney's one minute recap including Ted's tramp stamp.  

So I'm still waiting on Modern Family and The Big Bang Theory - MF could go either way, they've done some awesome episodes and some average ones, but BBT is guaranteed to bring the uber-lols.  We're halfway through season 2 of Winners & Losers, and while I'm still enjoying the show it doesn't have the same sparkle that season one did - lots of nice character development though.  But I could do with less of the babies and family angles.  Hoarders has just started again, and I don't know why I still watch it, because every episode is almost the same, and yet I CAN'T FUCKING STOP.  The last one actually was really sad, both people featured actually had some serious traumas in their past and were dealing with real pain.  The one before was just annoying, I hated that woman who couldn't even muster up a thank-you to the crew who de-fucked her entire house.  I know, I know, it's the disorder, but whatever.  I hate ungratefulness, it's one of my pet peeves.  I've stayed strong and haven't been tempted by Bones - still haven't watched the season 6 finale (even though it's on my BluRay box set) or any of season 7 because I just can't even with all this babies and relationships bulls-puckey, so no season 8 either.  My interest in Raising Hope kind of petered out halfway through last season - I might rent it when it's on DVD, but I don't think it's going to be a regular thing for me anymore.  CSI and SVU I'm just so far behind on that it seems pointless trying to catch up, so those might be DVD hires too - though I just read a spoiler that Cassidy is back on SVU and that just blew my fucking mind.  Dean Winters back on SVU after more than a decade?!?  I may have to look into that.  Not going to bother will Survivor this season, unless my Mum watches it and tells me it's epic.  Southpark will probably just be an occasional time-filler.  

As for new shows (because there should always be new shows!)  nothing has jumped out at me so far, so I'm taking suggestions.  I've been told that Treme, Sons Of Anarchy and Breaking Bad are all high priorities (and I know they're not new this year, but I mean new to me as well as new to television).  Lately I've started watching Portlandia, and in addition, I've become painfully addicted to Miranda and Being Human, because the British know how it's DONE, y'all.  BBC comedies are never anything but pure gold, and Miranda is the funniest thing since My Family.  She's me.  She's tall and awkward, she loves karaoke, she lives in a cozy little flat, she thinks chocolate willies are funny.  Also, Gary is hot, so there's that.  SUCH FUN!

As for Portlandia, I picked it up on a whim after hearing good things, and I like it but I don't love it.  It's funny as hell for the most part, and I've wanted to go to Portland for a while now because I've heard so many good things about its bohemian vibe, but I feel no desire to see season 2.  It's good, but once is enough - and I'm not usually squeamish about ANYTHING, so I must have been premenstrual or something when I was watching it because that skit of the freegans eating garbage food had me heaving over the damn sink.

Being Human is my new addiction, and I fucking love it when you come into a cool show 5 seasons after the fact, because you can marathon episodes like nobody's business.  And each episode is a full hour like True Blood, so I feel like I'm getting my money's worth.  Not that I'm going to bother with seasons 4 and 5 (probably) because without the main characters I don't feel like it will be the same show, but who knows.  George is the most adorable geek since Tim McGee and I love his snippy little temper tantrums.  Annie is so freaking adorable I want to wrap her up in cashmere blankets and cuddle her for several eternities, but only after I've finished doing naughty things to Mitchell because HELLO.  Move over Eric Northman, this hot vampire has an IRISH ACCENT.  The Swede, he has been beaten.  I love Eric, but no Scandinavian can compete with an Irish brogue and those weirdly hot fingerless gloves.  And now that I'm halfway through season 3, I don't hate Nina as much as I used to, so that's a plus.  I liked her in the first episode when she was explaining to George what a cock one of the doctors is, but since then she's been short and blonde and grate-y.  But now, I don't know, I guess I'm getting used to her.  I love how there's always a weird new character who turns up for an episode to keep shit interesting.  I wish Mitchell and Annie hadn't hooked up - they're cute and all, but it was so refreshing to have this platonic little OT3 actually being functional together.  Oh well, it's not for long - my beloved's days are numbered.  Fair warning, I shall cry like a bitch.

Patch - and her square eyes - out.


Demon Enchantress

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August 2014

House Of Omniscience

Yes, I have tricks in my pocket, I have things up my sleeve. But I am the opposite of a stage magician. He gives you illusion that has the appearance of truth. I give you truth in the pleasant disguise of illusion.

Tennessee Williams
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